Wednesday, September 3, 2014

growing up.

Yesterday was the first day of preschool for my son. I could barely sleep all night. I woke up at 4:30am and could not go back to sleep so I got up and packed his lunch. As I gathered his bookbag, lunch box, lunch money and the two bags full of supplies we were told to bring, my emotions overwhelmed me. My one and only child is growing up. My one and only baby is now a big boy who will ride a school bus and have homework (sorta) and will have a regular school schedule. This fact of life broke my heart. 

The truth is that when I found out almost 5 years ago that I was pregnant, I wasn't happy. Even though I was days away from marrying my high school sweetheart and was about to graduate college, I still felt like a baby having a baby. I felt like all my hopes and dreams were shattered and I would be stuck in the small town I'm still in for the rest of my life. I felt trapped and heartbroken instead of joy. It wasn't until my son was three years old that I started feeling like a true mom. I felt ashamed for not being a great parent to him when I was younger. I gave him the basics but it took a long time to give him my complete heart. After he reached school age, I realized that I wanted to raise him in my small town because "news flash!!" it is actually a million times safer than some huge big city. I realized that this was God's plan for me all along since the moment I was born. I realized how much that baby boy was a precious gift and I set out to spend my days raising him with all the love and affection I could muster. We spent our summer days playing, shopping, and visiting amazing places. We would spend our nights sneaking ice cream in the kitchen-hoping daddy didn't catch us and singing the abc song at the top of our lungs. I would read to him every night and pull the covers up as he slowly drifted off to sleep. 
And now he leaves me. And now the real growing up begins. I have finally grown up. Now it's his turn. 

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